Moving to Wholeness Part 1

Hello, welcome back to the Pastor Talk Podcast.
We are glad that you continue
with us during this Lenten season as we study the Enneagram together.
We have been traveling this road for a while now,
and as we continue along in the conversation,
we are now moving into a new phase.
Last time we talked about
integration, about the ways in which the different numbers move forward towards healthier cells,
and now today we pick up ways in which we can engage in that
process in more intentional ways.
Thinking about how as we practice the
Enneagram and it is a mirror for us,
how it reveals to us truth about who we are,
we also look to the Enneagram as a form of map,
a form of descriptor of a path
forward, and here as we turn to this conversation today,
we recognize that as
you look at a map,
it invites you to take certain actions to take this route as
opposed to this route to tack along this place because it’s going to be easier,
because it’s going to be better,
and as we look here towards the Enneagram and we
start thinking about what it looks like to move toward wholeness,
we start to engage how we can be active in the process of formation.
Yeah, I think in some ways this might be the most practical application we’ve gotten into
yet.
A lot of what we’ve done has been about understanding the Enneagram,
maybe getting a feel for the flow,
but today we want to talk about some practical
things that each of us can do.
Maybe you follow along,
maybe you’re feeling pretty
comfortable with the idea you’re a type,
maybe in the conversations about the
unhealthy and the healthy application of your type,
you’ve run into some things and thought,
“I probably have some growing to do,” and the Enneagram I think
is helpful there because it gives us some very concrete suggestions about the
things our number, our type, can do to try to move toward that wholeness,
and again we often borrow these things from other types.
They have some things that are
good for us, and I think in some ways,
Michael, this will be the most practical
we’ve been and the least theoretical.
We’re hoping in the next two weeks you
come out of this discussion with some things that you can put into practice
that are designed by the Enneagram to help you move
toward that number that represents a more holistic and a more balanced life for you.
Yeah, absolutely, and I think it’s maybe
worth pausing here to just clarify as we had to make some
schedule changes with all of the cancellations.
We are now on the Wednesday release schedule,
so last Wednesday we released the podcast
and then we’ll have the next release a week from
the publication of this podcast,
and we’re going to make this a two-part conversation.
We’re going to try to really dig deep
into all of the nine types,
and so in order to do that we just decided
let’s split this over two weeks.
So you’re going to hear half of those types this week,
and if your type wasn’t in the mix in this conversation,
stay tuned.
The next podcast release will have the
rest of them included.
Yeah, and I think you still get a sense
of how the Enneagram works,
even say you’re a seven,
so we won’t get to
that until next week.
I think listening in on this still is
good information.
I mean there’s a sense in which
some of what it looks to be healthy for any of us
is what it looks like to be healthy for all of us,
to be patient, to be generous, to be kind.
I mean those are good
things for everyone,
but I think in listening in to some of the suggestions for others,
there will be something we can all
learn.
So we hope that even if we don’t get to your number today,
you’ll hang in there,
you’ll listen.
If we get to your number today,
tune in next week as well, because we think there’s something to be found in all of
that.
They really do represent a path forward of what it means to be healthy.
One quick note there,
Clint, I would just say that this is really
in some ways a generative moment to be practicing these things,
and in other ways this is a very difficult moment to be practicing these things,
and both of these realities really need to be held in tension.
I think you need to have a lot of patience with yourself right now.
I’ll just be honest,
this idea of disintegration that we did a couple weeks ago,
this is the disintegration moment,
this high stress, high anxiety,
lots of really difficult conversations
happening, and people who are really struggling,
this is a tough time on one
hand to really try to live into your best self,
to live into this healthy
integrated self.
So these practices you might find to be
incredibly difficult right now,
and if that is how you find them,
the invitation is grace,
is to practice grace with yourself and grace with others,
and to recognize that it’s Christ’s
power within us which redeems and restores us,
not our own action.
I think that needs said,
and I think the other thing that needs said is
in another way there’s really no better time to practice these things.
If you’re stuck in your house right now and you are struggling with maybe it’s
everything from boredom to extreme anxiety,
wherever you find yourself on
the spectrum, this might be the exact right time to
do some contemplative prayer, to thoughtfully journal,
to maybe write a letter of reconciliation,
or to make a phone call
to a person who needs a dress.
Whatever these action steps we talk
about today, this may be the perfect time to live
them out, and so the invitation I think for all of us
is to just be very thoughtful and careful and full of grace
as we seek to do this in this time.
Yeah, maybe the hardest time to grow is a time of stress,
but in also,
in some other ways,
that’s also the most opportune time.
So let’s jump in, and again if you ever have questions about these
things, give us a call,
send us an email,
we’d love to visit with you about them,
but let’s start with type number one.
Michael, remind us about one’s
integration.
What does one look like at their healthiest?
Yeah, so you’ve got to remember the one’s temptation is to
tightly control their world,
to make it perfect,
to achieve the highest ideal,
and so the one to be very, very broad,
maybe even a little over simplistic,
is that one needs to let go a little bit.
The one needs to recognize that there’s more to life than the structure
that the one lives within,
that they feel forced into,
this sort of pressure cooker experience.
The one needs to go to seven,
to the
experiential, to the live by the seat of your pants,
by the willingness to live and thrive and exist in a kind of very vital life experience.
The one moves to this place of freedom,
this place of joy,
this place of unrestrainedness,
and in doing so, they start to uncover the freer side of their number.
Yeah, so for the one,
it’s all about silencing that inner critic.
Remember that the one lives with that voice that’s constantly worried about
being wrong or not getting it right,
and so for the one,
the seven represents the
opportunity to let some of that fade into the
background.
I used to be a competitive archer,
bows and arrows, that kind of thing, and there’s a thing that happens as people
progress.
Some people face what they call target panic,
and target panic means,
and this isn’t beginners,
this generally happens to
fairly successful archers, or at least people who have gotten fairly good,
what happens is an archer gets the bow drawn
and then they call it target panic,
they can’t let go.
If they’re using their fingers,
they can’t let go.
If they’re using a release,
they’re afraid, and essentially they’re afraid to miss,
and so one of the more interesting ways to treat target panic
is to miss on purpose.
You pull the bow back,
you point it away from the target,
you let it go, and you learn
the worst thing that happened was I missed,
and that’s the sense here for a
one.
If they can let go of that fear of being wrong
and embody some of that that fearlessness of the seven,
so how do they do that?
Well, here’s some ideas that might help.
So because a one hears that critic at the emotional level,
one suggestion is to journal those things.
When a one encounters,
I could have done that better.
Write down why you think that might be true.
Oh, I don’t think they were happy with that presentation.
Write those things down, and what happens is that gives you the
opportunity to evaluate those things later when the
emotion is kind of out of it,
and you realize,
no, I did pretty well,
or as it turned out looking back,
that ended up being pretty good,
and the result was positive,
and it allows the one to have a more
balanced and a less pessimistic view of some of their things.
Ones need to learn
that they do things really well,
but they’re always worried about the
one thing they don’t.
They’ll get 99 things right and one thing wrong,
and they’re obsessed about the one,
and so the thing they got wrong,
and so if they write that down,
I think they can get a sense of,
hey, that was pretty good.
Yeah, the one’s task should be actively
and intentionally separating from that inner critic.
In other words,
that inner critic that is always criticizing you is not you.
The inner critic who you hear always working against you,
always putting down and essentially putting you in a box,
that critic is a voice other than your own,
so you could journal that.
Others will make the recommendation,
you should talk back.
In other words, to create that separation,
to say,
no,
you know, I hear that criticism,
but the truth is.
In other words, you can stand up
even within your own psyche and you can defend yourself.
You can remind yourself,
no, no, no, no,
no, that I am giving into the critic right now instead of being
thoughtful about it, so I think whether you do that through journaling,
you could do that through literally just,
you know, mentally talking back.
You could also do that in conversation with someone that you trusted.
You could maybe a spiritual director or maybe even just a family member,
a sibling maybe who you trusted and had a good relationship with.
You could reveal,
I have found myself criticizing myself for this,
and you could allow their voice to engage that as well.
Yeah, I think that’s a great point, Michael.
Because ones inherited that voice early in life,
they often grew up with it.
They never engaged it.
They were directed by it,
but they never stood up to it, and so
the idea of talking back to that critic and saying,
you know, that’s your opinion.
Or, yeah, okay, I’ll think about that later.
It could be really freeing for a one.
Another practice that a one can develop,
and this one could be a struggle,
but compliment people who did something well,
even if you expected it,
even if they didn’t do it as well as you would have done it,
and that may in fact be true,
but be on the lookout for things that others did and finished and did pretty well,
and make it a regular practice to compliment them,
because the one is always evaluating those
things, looking for what’s wrong,
and it helps to spin that around and say, you know what,
I’m going to give out 10 compliments today.
I’m going to go,
and I’m going to make sure
I tell my coworker that they did a great job yesterday,
and for one, that is a positive approach.
Yeah, absolutely.
I think, so one strategy here is to engage with that
voice that you have to also,
as you’re saying, Clint,
externalize that grace in a meaningful
way.
I think another thing that the one needs to be mindful of is a negative relationship with anger.
You have built structures in your life for the absolute and continued avoidance of it.
This idea that this feeling that you have is a feeling that you cannot show,
and so I think one
thing you need to be mindful of is you have to recognize moments in which you feel that pressure
cooker experience, and you have to actively let the pressure out.
You have to disengage it,
and one way of doing that,
Clint, is to ask the question,
why am I angry?
What is underneath this?
And asking that question, as simple as that might sound,
is actually an invitation for you to disarm
that experience, because you’ll recognize that even if you allow yourself to go into what you
might consider the darker parts of your person,
you’re going to find that Christ is already waiting there for you.
I think a good question for a one in regard to anger,
but maybe just in general is, is this important?
Is it important that I be upset right now?
Or is this task important?
You know, the wonderful trait of a one is that they bring their best to everything they do,
but they experience that often as pressure.
And so for a one,
to almost make a list and prioritize it,
it’s really important that I do this well.
This thing just needs done.
I don’t have to put my
full energy into this.
It’s just a task I need to cross off the list.
Ones often don’t think like
that.
And it can be helpful to learn that not everything has to be perfect.
Not everything is going to be perfect.
And for a one to be able to say,
okay, I have 10 things on my list,
five of them, I really want to do well.
Five of them, I just need to get them finished.
It’s okay
if they’re not 100%.
A B is just fine in this situation.
And that can be freeing.
It’ll be really hard at first, you ones,
you’re going to struggle with that.
That’s where I think
writing those things down and prioritizing can help.
But it’s okay that some things aren’t going
to be perfect.
Not everything needs to be and,
and none of us expect that from anyone else.
Yeah.
So I suspect that for many ones,
freedom will feel like anarchy.
The idea that when you
step into freedom, suddenly it feels like there’s no rules and everything’s gone crazy.
That you’re suddenly stepped into Alice in Wonderland and everything is uncomfortable.
The truth is,
nobody expects for you to go from where you are today to a flaming seven.
In fact, that’s not even what the Enneagram is asking.
No, exactly.
The Enneagram isn’t asking you to
suddenly throw caution to the wind and just jump out of a plane and skydive.
What the Enneagram is
talking about is living into a freer way of living within yourself and with others.
And so I think
one thing that you should be mindful of is who are your friends and how do you structure your downtime?
Do you have a hobby that allows that gives you the freedom to fail or if not to fail,
to perform at a level that is entirely defined by your enjoyment of of it as opposed to the
production that was done?
So if you’re someone who is interested in working out,
are you working out so that you can be perfect and your diet is perfectly structured or are you just doing that
because it makes you feel good and it’s with people that you enjoy?
Do you plan things that
live into a flexible reality or do you always force it into a structure?
I think we should
be mindful of doing that intentionally instead of letting it happen to us.
Yeah and I think
ones, especially those of you who have a nine wing,
have a tendency to be either on or off.
You really have level one and you have level ten and you struggle to find much in between.
So this idea of trying something that you know you won’t be the best at or you won’t be great at,
pick up an instrument,
start playing the piano,
get an old guitar,
learn a new game, take up chess,
something that you’re never going to master.
Golf is a great example and just try to enjoy doing the thing for
the thing itself and not for the idea of mastering or perfecting the thing.
That can be really helpful to a one.
Yeah and ones,
it may be good for you to sit down and this would be easy to do with just
a piece of paper.
Sit down with a pen and paper and write down all of the stuff that you have not
finished yet.
All of that stuff that’s living in your mind space,
that you feel guilty about the
stuff, the projects that you started,
the projects you’re thinking about starting and you have files
somewhere with all of that info and be ruthless in going through that and determine the stuff
you’re going to finish and determine the stuff you’re going to give your grace,
self grace, to not finish and realistically ones need to recognize that your temptation is to not finish stuff
because it won’t meet your standard and towards what you’re saying Clint,
wouldn’t you say the
way for a one to move forward is to either say I’m not going to do it or to say I am going to do it
and I’m okay with it not being perfect.
Yeah yeah and which is a very much a struggle for ones
but and the idea is for one to learn some grace for themselves,
to learn a way to manage their drive
that allows them some freedom,
some enjoyment because when you’re wrapped around this idea
of perfection it’s very hard to enjoy what you’re doing even what you’re likely doing extremely
well but it’s hard to find satisfaction in it because it always feels like pressure
and what the Enneagram hopes is a way forward for you that frees you for some of the joy that comes
with the competency and the skills that you definitely possess as a one.
Yeah and what ones
might find refreshing is to become aware that not everyone has the critic that you experience,
the one might find it very freeing to realize that if you are willing to extend grace to other
people and look from their perspective at your life you might just find that they have not been
holding you to that standard all along and so I think those practices of journaling,
practices of engaging in conversation with people intentionally of trying you know these hobbies
would be a great place to do some of this work and to just outright say say you’re cycling with
a group of people say hey my goal is not to get the best time I’ve ever had today it’s to hang out
with people and to enjoy being here and even just saying that for a one may be a step to healing.
Yeah I don’t think anyone is harder on ones than they are themselves and so hopefully with a couple
of these practices you might learn to give yourself a little grace you certainly deserve it.
That takes us to type two.
Yeah so twos move to four.
Remember that movement of positive for the
two is toward four and twos I think they’re really interesting Michael because they’re essentially
already doing the thing they need to do to be healthy they just need to practice it for themselves.
Twos are so busy caring and putting passion and energy out to other people they’re
already good at those skills they just rarely let themselves practice them personally back back to
themselves and so in some ways the two doesn’t need to change what they do but maybe more so how they do it.
Right the really very difficult spot that twos find themselves is they are engaging in practices
of health and care but they are doing that not just because they want to be helpful but because
the idea of being the helper has taken over as their identity and so twos need to start practices
that require separating from those outward practices and who you are and I hate to say it
but a lot of the twos practices need to look like creative and intentional systems of saying no and
not just know to others who ask you to do things though that will be incredibly difficult for it too
but also saying no to things you want to do ways that you want to reach out and help that’s not to
say that some things are worth doing and you should do them but the two is always going to overestimate
their bandwidth to help in a healthy way and so you have to say no to others and you have to say
no to your own impulses.
Right ones and twos share a similarity in that the things they hide behind
are generally positive so the one gets everything done and done really well nobody’s going to be
concerned about that right the two is out there caring for people meeting people’s needs no one
is going to be very worried about a two and yet a two is often not very in touch with themselves
and so that’s where the the gift of the four is that that sense of self-honesty
self-awareness and reflection and the two if they can admit if they can face that temptation they
have to hide themselves behind the good that they’re doing and do good but maybe not for good
reasons at times then I think they’re set free to truly do good for good reasons and enjoy doing
it instead of feeling captured by it instead of the score keeping instead of all the stuff
that can that can hamper them and hinder them they can live into enjoying it.
You know I think
a thing that twos might find helpful would be to create a journal where you record some of your
daily interactions sort of create a seismograph of your emotional connections to people and this is
what I mean by that a two is just living in a kind of relational emotional amplitude that others don’t
recognize so when someone speaks curtly to you in the checkout line at Hy-Vee you might take that as
a personal affront at someone being aggressive with you and what you don’t realize is they were
just having a bad day and they were being curt.
One way that a two can start engaging in this
practice of separating from self and feeling is to literally write that down today I was at Hy-Vee
engaging with this person I felt attacked by them but I wonder if I was that maybe it was this maybe
it was this Lord I pray for them that you’re with them on this day and and in practices of reflection
twos are then able to recognize that other people being upset with you is not the same as them
attacking you it’s not the same as then devaluing you because you are not connected to other people’s
emotions you are a distinct person a beloved child of God so that could be journaling quite
frankly that could just be a time of prayer that could be reading through the psalms and inserting
your name in that and hearing those promises as your own but you should intentionally be working
towards the separation between what others sort of reflect to you and what you think that means
yeah so so twos have I think a a couple of struggles that make some of this difficult
twos and there’s no value judgment in this you have a tendency to make things about you
and secondly twos have a difficulty distinguishing between their emotions and their perception of
emotions so what does that look like it looks like the two driving down the road and they
recognize somebody who doesn’t wave at them and by the time the two gets home they have this
scenario in their mind where they must have said or done something to make the person angry and the
the person didn’t wave at them on purpose because they’re upset when reality that person had their
kids screaming in their van and they didn’t see them but but the two lives with this narrative of
it it’s about me and I must have done something they’re always quick to take blame even when
there’s no blame to take and so one of the questions for a two has to always be is this
really about the other person or is it about me am I genuinely concerned about this person
or am I worried that they’re upset with me or that I’ve done something and if a two can begin
to explore that question it’s going to be a difficult road but it’s going to lead them to
a good place they’re going to be able to differentiate and say oh yeah that person
didn’t wave at me huh they must have been having a bad day I should see if there’s something I could
do to help them I it frees them up again to do what they already want to do but to do it without
the baggage that goes with it yeah and part of that baggage Clint is thinking that I have to do
something so that I can be something and a tool to help every two is to live into the promise
of anonymity there is a great gift in people not knowing that you were the one that helped and
quite frankly church is a great place we can really be helpful in engaging that in a couple
ways I can think one would be coming to the church and saying how can I help as opposed to
here’s what I’m going to do there’s a real spiritual practice where twos can practice letting
others set that conversation and then deciding if they are going to engage it or not oh okay
that’s the need I’m not really in a place I can help with that right now that’s actually a great
way to say no but then also to let someone else lead and let the two not create problems that
they need to solve because that’s not really about solving the problem it’s about identifying
yourself as the helper the other thing is this come to the church and say you know I really want
to help and then give that help anonymously that happens all the time hey here’s a meal for this
family here’s I know that this family has need and here’s a check so that their kid can go on
the mission trip this stuff happens all the time where we can then say a member of the church has
done this because they wanted to love and care for you that is unbelievably helpful and meaningful
for those who receive it and for the one who gives it it’s a reminder it was never about you
the anonymity in that gives you a free space to separate so that you can live into the reality of
who you’re called to be and not what you’ve practiced needing to be yeah and especially
that temptation for the two to keep score and let people know I did something for them
with the negative idea that they now owe me doing those things anonymously will help you get off
that treadmill in regard to saying no this is an important skill for twos and brutally difficult
because a two wants to tell everyone yes I read an article years ago about a seminary professor
who kept up well he was renowned for his prayer life and so he kept a prayer list
and someone that once asked for a person to be put on his prayer list
and his response was really interesting he said it’s full right now but when one of those concerns
comes off I’ll let you know and I’ll put them on there and and his idea was he could give
legitimate effort and bandwidth to a given number of prayer requests and those were really
that it was that many that he could do well he felt and I wonder if a similar concept is helpful
for twos to make a list of five or ten things that I can help with right now maybe it’s only three
maybe it’s two whatever the number is but then realize that’s my limit that’s that’s all I can
bring my best self right now I can’t do a hundred other things I’m going to have to tell someone
I’m sorry I can’t do that right now but I would love to help you down the road and I’ll be back
in touch with you or whatever that looks like but twos it’s it’s not only okay for you to say no
it may be necessary for you to to enjoy and to be healthy in in what you’re doing
another really concrete way that a two can say no is by saying no to new calendar entries
we are in a present moment where lots of stuff has gotten wiped off the calendar and you know
what when stuff starts getting put back on because it’s only a matter of time when life
starts ramping back up twos might be able to use this as an opportunity to not put some things
back on your list maybe you should practice this idea of Sabbath setting aside time maybe
that’s even just one day a week but that day of the week is holy it is set apart it is time for
you to commune with your maker your creator your father and it’s not for you to be out serving
even Jesus went into the mountaintop to pray you need to recognize that helping the practice
of helping needs to have moments of stopping and you can literally reflect that by putting an x
on your calendar by marking stuff off and saying no this time to set aside and when someone asks
hey can you do this you can legitimately say sorry my calendar’s full that day yeah and a word
of encouragement to twos as you say that Michael we’re in a moment where twos are vitally important
you know nines are in their house thinking oh this quarantine stuff isn’t so bad and and
sixes are worried about the end of the world and fours are taking naps and just overwhelmed by the
whole thing twos are creatively thinking about maintaining relationships right now twos are
calling shut-ins twos are checking with people to see if they need anything twos you are a wonderful
gift to the rest of us right now but it also means you’re tempted to overdo it and so this
idea of balance of limits is going to be really really important for you guys as you grow
that leads us then i think to type three and threes are as we talked about those individuals
who are really drawn to the idea of putting out in front of others the image that the three
thinks that they want to see the three then needs in a move in a movement towards health
to go towards the six towards that grounded principled person to invest their life in some
things that matter and not things that are performances and so i think one of the really
difficult things for a three to do is to slow down long enough to to get off of the treadmill
of life and to pause so that you can engage those deeper things they’re just different practices
essentially of slowing down so that you can finally engage the you that is there and in getting there
you can identify that you’re more than just the thing that you project to others you actually have
a principled grounded soul from which to live your life yeah i think in some ways the threes have the
most difficult time of facing their own stuff because they’re the least in touch with it they
have the the most ways that they cover up that sense of their own their own needs their own lack
and because a three is motivated from this essential fear that there’s either no one at
their core or they don’t know who’s there they’ve developed so many ways to get out and not look at
that to to run away from that i think it is a really difficult maybe even painful moment for
a three to turn themselves toward growing and begin to undertake some of the practices that
lead toward health for them that’s it’s a tough awakening for threes yeah i think one of the ways
in which a three moves towards six is by practicing this idea of trust threes are trusting only to the
extent at which they feel like someone or something is going to advance them down the road of success
and threes need to recognize that sometimes the right thing to do is to throw your whole weight
behind something because it’s right because it’s good and likely my limited experience of life
tells me that often the principled stand is not the efficient stand that oftentimes when you get
behind uh maybe it’s a local non-profit maybe it’s going to be right now in this moment you
really get behind the food deliveries happening in the community or you really get behind calling
shut-ins and you recognize hey i could make a calling system that called all the shut-ins for
me that would be way more efficient and i could be successful and pass it on to 20 other communities
instead of that recognize no just trust the volunteer coordinators get the four names that
they give you call them and be faithful with it and that in itself that practice of being less
efficient being less driven just simply trusting the systems and processes and people that is a
spiritual practice of healthiness for a three yeah i think like the two the three wants to impress
people they’re more selective they have a smaller field perhaps but because it’s external because
a three is motivated by outside people one of the turns toward health for a three has to be
focusing on self and i think this is the moment of of kind of you know fish or cut bait for a three
are they willing to turn inward for maybe even moments at first silence extremely difficult for
a three to silence that busyness around them and to spend some time in solitude to again be able
or or begin to be able to listen for that inner voice because the three is always listening for
the outer voice to direct them and they’ve not developed a very attuned ear to their own their
own heart and so some moments of shutting down and shutting out the rest of the world
have to be a movement of health for a three so they’re going to need some reflection time
they’re going to need some quiet time they’re going to need to to stop and sit and meditate
and it’s not going to be easy yeah and they need to pair that clint with trust namely trust in
another person when a three goes to turn inward every three that’s listening to this needs to
reflect intentionally who is the person or people who i will invest trust in who i will be vulnerable
with because i don’t know that if you’re a three it’s possible for you to just suddenly become
self-reflective i think that you’re going to need people surrounding you some of that’s going to be
an accountability hey have you thought have you paused at all to think about why you’re doing this
some of that is going to be not accountability but support emotional support no no no it’s going to
be okay yes it hurts the road has another turn up ahead just keep on going and so i do think you
need to right from the start identify who are the people that you’re going to be vulnerable with
because if you cannot do that you’re not going to be able to stay the distance
yeah the other i think there another approach for threes is is somewhat two-fold
three’s tend to be obsessed with success but is it fair to say michael they often
haven’t defined what that means again this idea that they’re looking for it out there
it’s not internally motivated in the sense that they’ll know when they get it because they’ll just
look for what the next step is so for a three one of the opportunities is sit down and think about
what does success look like on on this board that i’m on or in this job that i have or in a
relationship or a task what does success look like and then to back up and say and who am i
whether i get there or not what does that success or lack of it in that particular aspect
have to do with me as a person and am i tied to that it is my identity wrapped up in these
results that i’ve listed and again for three it begins to introduce the idea that there’s a person
living under the the drive to be the best to perform and that there’s someone in there
that is worthy outside of the accomplishments that person might be able to to pull off right
and the same word that applies to twos applies to threes maybe in spades and that is that threes
have to stop you have to stop this idea of silence that you’ve already talked about clint
is part of that the idea whether that’s a vacation and this isn’t really the leave the house
vacation kind of moment but whether that just means being home in your space with email and
texting and all of the communication stuff turned off so that you’re unfindable or if that looks
like you sitting down in a quiet place with a with nothing but a pen and paper and you commit
to stick through it for 30 minutes it it really requires you recognizing that if it’s just you
in a room there’s somebody there that it’s not the work that you bring with you it’s not the
experiences you’re having it’s not the efficiencies that you’re pursuing the three has to have time
just sheer time to be in that space so that they’re reminded that there’s a person there
yeah it’s tough for threes we we talked about this early in the the podcast early in the Enneagram
series America loves threes we’re capitalists we’re materialists we’re let’s do the next thing
let’s go bigger let’s go better let’s be impressive that’s addictive to a three and so unplugging from
that is essential for the three to have a day to have a moment to have structured times where a
three says i am not going to perform i’m not going to work i’m i i’m going to wait i’m going
to hold myself back and and give myself some time is just absolutely essential another a couple of
other things that a three can do i think helpful if you’re a three out there and you’re thinking i
would like to find a way forward here’s a couple of ideas join something you can’t lead
be a part of a group that you’re never going to lead be as i think you used the phrase last week
michael one of the bozels on the bus join a national organization and get their mailings
and read their stuff but don’t try to climb the ladder just stay on the bottom rung and like the
ones sometimes a three can benefit from trying something that they won’t master a three can
benefit a lot from not being the best at something or picking something that in no way benefits them
at all that that has no chance of promoting them in their circle an obscure hobby a strange practice
but but a three can really do themselves some good from finding something that isn’t tied to
their idea of success and that they just learn to enjoy yeah i think that there’s a resonance
there with what we said to one’s clint that there’s a little bit of antidote to the three
in freedom in recognizing that climbing the ladder succeeding performing is not the path
towards integration but rather letting go having a little bit more whimsy being willing to try
stuff and fail that is the place where the three is going to start experiencing new forms of life
and even experiencing their own self because by the way uh you know surprise for everybody the
the three when they look inward is not the person who is as successful as they want to be right we’re
just human and so the freedom of recognizing oh yeah i’m just another bozo on the bus that’s
healthy that’s a good thing yeah i think the place a three might be able to start michael is to
literally sit down and make a list what wouldn’t i do to succeed in other words i wouldn’t be
some hard boundaries that success isn’t worth and and by starting there a three begins to get the
idea that they have some internal things that guide them they have some principles they they
begin to move into those ideas of the six that that these are things that are worthy despite what
they might gain for me if i broke them it’s worth towing the line in these areas of my life
regardless of how much success lived on the other side of it and i think that can be a good starting
exercise for three absolutely well i think clint that leads us to type four yeah um our last one
here today and type four again remember that type four can be a little melancholy they kind of hang
out in a glass half empty kind of place and so what they benefit from is some of the idealism
some of the professionalism some of the drivenness of the one and so type four tends to navigate
toward type one when they’re healthy they benefit from the one’s clarity their sense of purposefulness
and action and and they can learn a lot from the ones who get things done and don’t waver much the
self the the ones bring a tremendous amount of self-discipline that can be hugely beneficial
to the four yeah that word self-discipline the word that i think of clint is agency the four needs
to live into the idea that they have agency and let me just say a word to fours here quick
this is a moment for fours that is incredibly painful because you have been attuned to the
darkness you’ve been attuned to those human emotions and suffering that for many people
they’re experiencing right now in the greatest contrast that they’ve ever seen but fours
you have agency in other words the stuff that’s happening in our world right now is not just
going to drive you to your knees and there’s nothing that you can do but wallow and live in
the pain fours you can do stuff you can live into this one and you can make a plan right now
literally you can get a piece of paper and you can make a plan and you can go through with that plan
and in many ways that’s what the world needs at this moment is people who’ve already traveled
the pain that people are experiencing right now and who can become guides through it and to say
oh no no no listen yes it’s dark yes it hurts yes it’s full of anxiety but there’s a way out
we just have to live into it and i think that a four needs to be mindful that you can do stuff
and that you shouldn’t be wrapped up and trapped by that melancholy yeah i think maybe the the
difficult first step for a four is that idea that that you don’t need you don’t serve anyone
by being stuck by by feeling worthless by you don’t need to be miserable you don’t deserve
to suffer none of those things are yours by some sort of divine decree and it’s okay to leave
that orbit you don’t have to have things the worst other people have genuine struggles and
if you can if you can enter those if you can give some true passion compassion to other people’s
issues then you will find a balance in addressing your own and so two’s i’m sorry fours
um have a lot of work to do in this internal dialogue not because they don’t do it michael
but i think because they overdo it right and i think that some of the four’s movement towards
healthiness that intentional act needs to look like you sitting down and recognizing that
that the emotions that you feel the the need that you have to separate and be different from others
that that’s not the thing that defines you fours need to remember that redeeming word that you are
beloved and special you were created without some sort of glaring weakness or some sort of glaring
deformity that needs repaired now you in this state are god’s beloved and so when you find
yourself creating drama when you find yourself passing along gossip when you find yourself
opening up facebook again to share that whatever post that you shouldn’t share that is the moment
for you to practice awareness to say i’m going to be present in this moment and recognize
that i don’t need to live outside myself i don’t need to create drama i don’t need to be separate
and and in some ways try to create an identity that is how do you say novel that i don’t need to
be different so that i can have meaning instead you can recognize that you are part of the whole
and that the whole needs you because you bring a real gift to it yeah and so if you’re four and
again you feel like you struggle with that sense of heaviness that’s where some of the practices
of the one can be helpful and you know fours get out a piece of paper and a pencil make a list
and get the things on that list done and if if that list has one or two or three things on it
to start with that’s fine but make yourself get those things crossed off by the end of the day
that discipline that sense of practical application is really good for a four the other thing i think
that you might be able to do is to to use a list what do i what do i see that’s worthy in people
what am i grateful for i i think michael that the fours can truly benefit from just
paying attention again looking outside of self looking outside and making a gratitude list a
joy list thinking about the people in your circle and writing down the things that you truly admire
and appreciate and love about those people this kind of positivity is important for a four and
i think will help keep them keep them grounded and keep them on a good path
yeah if you’re a four it’s likely that you are attuned to beauty in some form beauty of nature
possibly beauty of art possibly that’s music or painting or whatever the temptation of the four is to appreciate
beauty and then to use it as a frame for how not beautiful you are for how it
expresses better the reality of life than you do here’s the invitation can you turn to those
places and can you look at them and enjoy them for their own sake can you pull up the artist
that you love listening to and can you enjoy that music without it being a judgment against
your own creativity can you read that poet who expresses things in a way that’s meaningful for
you without that turning into a way of defining yourself against it it can be spiritually renewing
to simply just drink from the metaphor from the beauty from the circumstances that surround us
and for that to be where it stops and that’s that’s something a four could do right now
yeah and i think another good place to start for a four and it will be difficult is on that paper
to make a list things that i appreciate things that i like about myself and not about my
uniqueness not not about how i’m different from other people but things that i admire or value
in my own person and that will be a tough list for a four to make but i think it’s a good place
to start another tough exercise but i think a helpful one is fours spend and and this will
likely get uncomfortable quickly spend some time looking in the mirror simply looking at yourself
with the question do i see something i like do i see something good and and as you become comfortable
with maybe that first effort is mere seconds but as you become more comfortable seeing
the reflection of yourself and seeing good in it you will have the opportunity to embrace that
healthy thing that that releases your gifts and and freeze some of your insight into the world
instead of focusing it back on yourself this applies i think to fours it applies to all of
the numbers that have come before and will come after quite frankly you’ll see that a common thread
throughout all of these numbers that we’ve talked about clint is awareness it’s a awareness of your
present self and its intentionality
to resist the ruts that you’ve made and to live into a new
freedom and whatever practice helps you do that is a great practice
so for some of us that’s maybe
getting a bracelet that you wear and it every time you look at that bracelet you commit to be
mindful of your practices of your to be aware of where you are and why you’re doing what you’re
doing maybe for some of us that is something more simple maybe you think that that’s a thing that
you put on your mirror maybe it’s a psalm or a quote or something that’s going to sit right there
that’s going to remind you it’s a bookmark that you put in your favorite book right now it’s a
thing you put on the dash of your car i mean clint that list could go on and on and on whatever
practices you think would help reground you in that integrative self are the practices that you
should pursue yeah and i think where the enneagram helps us in all of that michael is the idea that
there is value under or or beneath our stuff that the inherent fear we all have is that if we dig
to the core we won’t like what we see there and i think the enneagram particularly through
a christian lens is that the image of god is deep within us and though it gets covered up
by our own stuff if we’re willing to look past that stuff what we find will not be emptiness
but truth and truth will allow us to embrace peace and joy and and grace and mercy and kindness and
all the wonderful things that that the spirit of god is seeking to give to us
well friends whether you are one through four or five through nine we hope that in this conversation
you’ve been encouraged and we hope that you might even now be thinking of ways that you
could start implementing this into your own spiritual practices but however it finds you
we want to express our love and care for you along this journey and as two people who are
journeying with you i think we can both speak to its difficulty it can be hard to look in the mirror
it can be hard to try to make new patterns and yet in doing so we’re living to christ’s promise
he’ll never leave us or forsake us yeah growth is always a challenge but it is always worth it
so we hope you’re well be safe let us know if there’s anything you need and thanks for listening